Understanding Punishments vs Rewards: Building Intrinsic Motivation for Children

Parents often struggle with how to effectively encourage their children to behave in the ways they ask. Whether it's through rewards or punishments, the effectiveness of these methods has long been debated. While both can have immediate effects, they often lack long-term benefits. Let's delve into the science behind these methods and explore why intrinsic motivation might be the best approach.

Why Punishments Fall Short

Child development science provides us with valuable insights into why punishments, while they may stop certain behaviors in the short-term, do not have lasting effects. At their core, children are new human beings who are still in the early stages of brain development. Ninety percent of their brain development occurs in the first five years. During this time, they are learning how to be a human being in every aspect: physical, social, cognitive, and more. To punish a child for a behavior at this stage would be unfair, as they haven't yet learned the skills and concepts required. It is far more beneficial to teach and support these skills, and to help them understand why they are important for them personally.

Tangible Rewards and Their Limitations

Tangible rewards such as money, stickers, or computer time might appear to be effective in the short-term because they offer immediate gratification. However, they ultimately set children up to expect rewards for compliance, which can undermine their intrinsic motivation. For example, giving a child a cookie for reading might help them read in the short-term, but it doesn't instill a love for reading that would last into the future. Instead, they should experience the intrinsic rewards of reading, such as a sense of accomplishment and understanding, which can motivate them to seek out reading materials on their own without external incentives.

Building Intrinsic Motivation

Fortunately, there are more effective ways to build intrinsic motivation in children. Here are a few strategies:

Helping Children Understand Their Behavior

When children misbehave, it's crucial to address the specific behavior and provide guidance on what to do instead. For example, if a child is hitting their brother, you can explain why hitting is not an acceptable way to express anger. Instead, suggest alternative methods: 'I get it that you're mad sometimes. Hitting your brother hurts him and can't be a way to let out your mad. How else can you get it out without hurting anyone? Maybe take 10 deep breaths... There are lots of ideas for how to calm strong emotions on the internet.'

Praising Positive Behavior

On the other hand, children need to know when they are doing something right. Acknowledging and praising their efforts can boost their confidence and motivate them to continue their good behavior. For instance, 'Wow, you got your room all cleaned up! I know that's not always a fun thing to do – but you worked hard and got it done! How does that make you feel!?' This positive reinforcement can help children internalize the value of their actions, leading to more sustainable behavior.

Conclusion

While punishments and rewards can have immediate effects, they often lack long-term benefits. By focusing on building intrinsic motivation, parents can help their children develop a deeper understanding of why certain behaviors are important. This approach not only fosters positive behavior but also builds a foundation for the child's personal growth and success as they navigate life's challenges.